Somewhere along the line, I learned that my "self" is a bad thing. Perhaps I misappropriated some teachings on total depravity. This wouldn't be surprising. Reformed Christians often have an unhealthy relationship with Pauline letters to the detriment of Old Testament prophets and Gospels.
Perhaps it was from a conservative Christian reaction against the public schools which have moved into teaching self-esteem as part of the curriculum. I may have actually uttered the phrase "I don't want self-esteem, I want God-esteem!" in my life. Needless to say, I'm not proud of that phase of my life, as grateful as I am that I have gone through it.
Either way, I have noticed a great deal of energy around getting rid of my "self" in Christian spirituality. And yet, I also am part of a process called FaithWalking which encourages me to identify times I "gave up self" when I underplayed my values and gave in to my anxiety. And so I reflect- do I want to keep my self or lose my self?
The key passages which shaped my thinking early on were Romans 6:6 (our old selves were crucified) and Ephesians 4:22-24 (put off the old self, put on the new; parallel found in Colossians 2:11). However, Jesus says in Luke 9:25, "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?" Apparently my "self" is worth holding on to, and it gets crucified.
It is common to think of spirituality as a cup. My spirituality had been shaped to believe that my "cup" is full of me, and I need to empty the cup of myself and fill it with God. Honestly, I don't know how to do that. I am not sure that I should. To eradicate me would deny that, deep down, I am still an image of God. Nor do I believe that the cup is full of me. I am a self. I am the cup. The cup gets full of all sorts of things- beliefs, loves, desires. I do not believe Christ wants to throw away the cup, but clean out the whole thing (Matthew 23:26). To lose the old self is not an eradication of the self but a refining of the self. What gets crucified? The part controlled by a former way of being. What gets resurrected? A truly free self, one that will not be lost or forfeited.
The Gospel is not that God is ultimately annoyed by you. The Gospel is not that God is tired of you, sick of you or won't love you until you change. The Gospel is not that your self is bad, but instead that your self is so loved by God that God is willing to cross every boundary to claim His love for you. And so the Gospel is not that you lose your self and become something you are not, but that in Christ we become who we really are- refined by the cross-shaped love of Jesus.
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